| home

Campaign 2004
by Paul Slansky
Issue of 2004-10-18
Posted 2004-10-11

Which candidate did what?

1. Howard Dean.

2. John Edwards.

3. John Kerry.

4. Wesley Clark.

5. Joseph Lieberman.

(a) Issued a press release announcing his endorsement by Hootie and the Blowfish.

(b) Called out to his press secretary, “Mary, help!,” when asked how he would have voted on the Iraq war.

(c) Allowed someone to pour a milkshake into a glass balanced on his head.

(d) Referred to a Secret Service agent who skied into him and knocked him down as a “son of a bitch.”

(e) Touted his fifth-place finish in the New Hampshire primary as “a three-way split decision for third place.”


6. What was the Bush adviser Mark McKinnon referring to when he said, “You don’t get gifts like that very often”?

(a) Teresa Heinz Kerry’s remark, referring to hurricane-relief priorities, “Clothing is wonderful, but let them go naked for a while, at least the kids.”

(b) John Kerry’s explanation of the history of his votes on “the eighty-seven billion dollars.”

(c) The statement by an executive at Diebold, one of the nation’s leading makers of touch-screen voting machines, that he was “committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the President.”

(d) The buttons distributed at the Republican Convention that read, “I don’t believe the New York Times.”


7. Who is Morton Blackwell?

(a) The New Jersey policeman who handcuffed and arrested the mother of a soldier killed in Iraq because she showed up at a rally attended by Laura Bush wearing a T-shirt that read, “President Bush You Killed My Son.”

(b) The associate of Karl Rove who put up most of the money for the Swift-boat ads.

(c) The Ohio University math professor who was forced by security officials to take off his Kerry-Edwards T-shirt at a rally for George W. Bush.

(d) The Virginia delegate to the Republican Convention who handed out Purple Heart-emblazoned Band-Aids, mocking John Kerry’s service in Vietnam.


8. In a video that ran on MTV’s “Rock the Vote” Web site, who said, “I don’t care what the other candidates say, I don’t think OutKast is really breakin’ up. Andre 3000 and Big Boi just cut solo records, that’s all”?

(a) Wesley Clark.

(b) Al Sharpton.

(c) Richard Gephardt.

(d) Carol Moseley Braun.


9. Which event did not occur?

(a) Jenna Bush got stuck in an elevator at a night club, then pried the door open with a chopstick and had a tequila.

(b) Wesley Clark approached a New Hampshire preschooler who seemed to be daydreaming at the art table, pushed the child’s chair in, and said, “Aren’t you supposed to be coloring? Isn’t that the project right now?”

(c) Bushels of paper confetti bearing the minuscule faces of the Bushes and the Cheneys were dropped from the rafters at the Republican Convention.

(d) Ralph Nader apologized to the families of soldiers killed or wounded in Iraq.


Match the nonsense word with its definition.

10. “Joementum.”

11. “Gobush.”

12. “Moolah” (rhymes with “Boola”).

13. “Tofurkey.”

(a) The surname of Joseph Lieberman’s director of communications.

(b) A meat substitute made in a Hood River, Oregon, factory visited by Dennis Kucinich, a vegan.

(c) The way George W. Bush pronounced the word for “Muslim cleric” at the first debate.

(d) What Joseph Lieberman told CNN that his campaign was gaining.


14. True or false: With John Kerry sitting onstage at the “Tonight Show,” Triumph the Insult Comic Dog told Jay Leno, “Jay, the poop I made in your dressing room has more heat than John Kerry.”


15. Which of the following is an actual quote from Joseph Lieberman?

(a) “What we need most urgently is a sense of urgency.”

(b) “What we need most immediately is a sense of immediacy.”

(c) “What we need most desperately is a sense of desperation.”

(d) “What we need most is a sense of humor.”


16. Who said it? “If I came to you with twenty-five of your closest friends carrying a black box with red buttons on it and said, ‘We have all looked for the best person to take care of this box, and we’ve decided that the only one who can protect it is you—if anything happens to it, if you lose it, the entire planet blows up,’ most of us, I mean, two hundred and eighty million of us, would say, ‘No! I don’t want the goddam box anywhere near me! Take it away!’ Yet every four years a bunch of seven or eight guys come out screaming, ‘Give me the fuckin’ box!’”

(a) Comedian Bill Maher.

(b) MSNBC’s Ron Reagan.

(c) Political consultant Joe Trippi.

(d) Lynne Cheney.











(1) c, (2) a, (3) d, (4) b, (5) e, (6) b, (7) d, (8) a, (9) d, (10) d, (11) a, (12) c, (13) b, (14) True, (15) b, (16) c.