1. Who is Kenneth Williams?
(a) The NBC reporter who asked French President Jacques Chirac a question in French, prompting George W. Bush to sneer, "The guy memorizes four words and he plays like he's intercontinental."
(b) The Phoenix F.B.I. agent who wrote the unheeded July memo warning that terrorists might be training at American flight schools.
(c) The I.N.S. agent who was sent to retrieve the belatedly mailed visaapproval notices for two of the September 11th hijackers.
(d) The E.P.A. official who resigned because he felt that he was "fighting a White House that seems determined to weaken the rules we are trying to enforce."
2. What was reported to have led Brazilian President Fernando Henrique Cardoso to observe that Bush is "still learning"?
(a) Bush's unenforceable demand that Israel withdraw from the West Bank.
(b) The Bush Administration's clumsy handling of the failed Venezuelan coup.
(c) Bush's policy reversals on steel tariffs and farm subsidies.
(d) Bush's ignorance of the fact that Brazil has the largest black population of any non-African nation, as revealed when he asked Cardoso, "Do you have blacks, too?"
3. One of Bush's two nicknames for his political strategist, Karl Rove, is Boy Genius. What's the other one?
(a) Karl Marx.
(b) The Rove Man.
(c) Turd Blossom.
4. Three of these statements were made by President Bush. Which one was made by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld?
(a) "There's nothing more deep than recognizing Israel's right to exist. That's the most deep thought of all. . . . I can't think of anything more deep than that right."
(b) "I'm not into this detail stuff. I'm more concepty."
(c) "And so, in my State of the— my State of the Union—or State—my speech to the nation, whatever you want to call it, speech to the nation—I asked Americans to give four thousand years—four thousand hours over the next—the rest of your life—of service to America."
(d) "This is a nation that loves our freedom, loves our country."
5. What kind of rights did George W. Bush say are given to the American people in the Declaration of Independence?
Who said what about Bush?
6. "He has let his infatuation with his own rectitude metastasize into hubris."
7. "I think it's appalling that the President of the United States would cut vaccine money for children so he can give a tax cut to Ken Lay."
8. "Before September 11th, I remember asking on TV if Bush knew where Europe was. Then suddenly you had to act as if he was Einstein."
9. "I really think he's a Renaissance kind of guy, and I've known him for twenty years, and I've never been on a topic where he doesn't know something about it."
10. "For all the spoon-fed portraits of the President exuding new gravitas since the war began, President Bush is still an easy man to take lightly."
(a) Times columnist Bill Keller.
(b) Vermont Governor Howard Dean.
(c) "Weakest Link" host Anne Robinson.
(d) Times columnist Frank Rich.
(e) White House adviser Mary Matalin.
11. Which headline did not appear in a daily American newspaper?
(a) "FDA TO SUSPEND A RULE ON CHILD DRUG TESTING"
(b) "EPA IS SET TO EASE RULES ON POLLUTING POWER PLANTS"
(c) "U.S. JOBLESS RATE INCREASES TO 6%, HIGHEST IN 8 YEARS"
(d) "EPA PROPOSES TO LET MINES DUMP WASTE IN WATERWAYS"
(e) "WHITE HOUSE CUT 93% OF FUNDS SOUGHT TO GUARD ATOMIC ARMS"
(f) "IN SHIFT, JUSTICE DEPT. PUSHES TO WIDEN RIGHTS TO OWN GUNS"
(g) "CHENEY RETURNS TO U.S. WITH FULL HEAD OF THICK, WAVY HAIR"
12. What did Ozzy Osbourne shout to George W. Bush at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner?
(a) "You should watch my show. Quayle does!"
(b) "Put Bono on the ticket, man!"
(c) "You should wear your hair like mine!"
(d) "Don't wave at Stevie Wonder, he's fuckin' blind!"
13. True or false: Five weeks after White House spokesman Ari Fleischer implied that Bill Clinton was to blame for the current violence in the Middle East, and was quickly forced to retract the implication, George W. Bush implied that Bill Clinton was to blame for the current violence in the Middle East, and was quickly forced to retract the implication.
14. True or false: George W. Bush's nickname for Russian President Vladimir Putin is Vlad the Impaler.
(1) b, (2) d, (3) c, (4) b, (5) c, (6) d, (7) b, (8) c, (9) e, (10) a, (11) g—it appeared in The Onion, (12) c, (13) True, (14) False—he calls him Pootie-Poot.